two dogs and a baked cod

What a lovely day! An hour spent bellowing at my nana – not out of malice you understand, but remember, she’s tone deaf so you end up repeating things in incremental degrees of volume until you’re screaming NO THANKS I DON’T NEED A METRIC TONNE OF MINT IMPERIALS I’M ON A DIET like you’re trying a hail a taxi from the moon. Bless her, it would be quicker and easier for me to have my side of the conversation tattooed onto my body and relayed back to her via sign language than it is to have a two-way conversation punctuated only by the sound of her hearing aid whirring away like an old 56k modem. Bless her though, I’d not change a bit about her. Even the answers in her Puzzler are hilarious – when she doesn’t know, she just adds random letters in like someone upending a Scrabble board.

But, before we went to my nana, we spent three hours walking dogs! It was BRILLIANT. I love dogs (not as much as cats – it’s my ambition in life (or rather death) that when I snuff it, I lie in a living room with eighty cats picking away at my carcass and eight pouches of Bite ‘n’ Chew in my birds nest hair) but we can’t have one in our house. It wouldn’t be fair, as we both work long hours and I’d spend all day worried that the dog was looking out the window with a doleful expression on its face, waiting for our DS3 to come bouncing over the speed-bump/her at Number 2 at the bottom of our street. So. How to get some body magic in and meet new dogs? Easy! We rang up a local cat and dog shelter (Brysons of Gateshead) (I’m not sure if that needs apostrophising and now I’m stressing, so if it does, I’m sorry) and asked if they needed people to walk their dogs – and they do, so we did!

After spending ten minutes doing my normal parking routine of driving into a parking space, leaving it, driving back in at one degree less than before, checking the lines, driving out, putting my wipers on instead of my indicators and then finally driving in another bay just up the road, we were there, and after handing over ID (lest we stole the dogs, I assume) we were given Max (a spaniel, I think) and Scout (a greyhound). Off we trotted, with the greyhound almost immediately pulling me over. I’m a big guy, but this bugger was strong! Paul had worn a shitty pair of old trainers so he was fine clarting around in the mud, but I’d inexplicably chose Chelsea boots to wear, and I pretty much skated my way through the mud along the Bowes Railway. We spent ages trotting along with the dogs who were wonderfully behaved, giving them a good walk (and us some great body magic) and generally enjoying ourselves. The dogs seemed happy to be made of a fuss of and getting some fresh air, even if my dog (Max) spent a horrendous amount of time picking absolutely every bit of rubbish up off the ground and trying to eat it, followed by me trying to stop him – I don’t think we’d be able to take dogs out again if I returned it with a Panda Pop bottle poking out of his bumhole.

Here they are!

Gorgeous little buggers. Great way to get more exercise and to help out a local charity. They also need cat cuddlers but I don’t think my heart can take it. Here’s our two, beautiful as ever. You’ll note the cat beds hanging from the radiator, spoilt little buggers.

Bowser is particularly pleased, as he managed to get a whole piece of cod for his tea. Cod from the recipe below, which was also our meal this evening…enjoy!

ingredients: 250g of halved cherry tomatoes, 100g of pitted black olives, two tablespoons of capers, two tablespoons of mixed herbs (not the mixed herbs – use thyme, dill and oregano), four cod fillets (frozen), tablespoon of olive oil, two tablespoons of balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper and a packet of samphire.

recipe: place the tomatoes, capers, olives and fish in a pyrex dish – fish nestled amongst the other ingredients rather than sitting on top. Make a oil from the olive oil, balsamic vinegar and herbs and drizzle over the top. Add salt and pepper. Put into the oven for 20-25 minutes (if frozen, if you’re using fresh go for 15 minutes and check if it needs longer). Five minutes before the fish is ready, boil a pan of water, chuck in the samphire for two or three minutes and sieve. Put that on a plate, add a piece of fish and some of the capers/tomatoes/olives. Drizzle over some of the liquid that was released when the ingredients cooked, and bloody well enjoy!

extra-easy: perfectly. There are syns, but you’re supposed to use them, and again I’ve been fairly conservative with the syn value here – the dish serves four, and the two syns is per serving, but you could lower the amount of olives and adjust the syns accordingly. It’s really not high though, and the ingredients are beautifully simple. Samphire can be tricky to find, and if you’ve never had it, give it a go. It’s got a strong, salty taste, but is delicious – you can eat it raw, but I prefer it blanched for a moment or two just to take the edge off. It grows by the sea and really adds to the fish dish!

Enjoy. What a day!

J

beef and butterbean stew with pastry stars, thankfully not sung by Russell Crowe

Tonight, for our evening meal, we have:

This diet is definitely working- I tried a new shirt on (well an old one, actually, with super bright multi-coloured stripes – I look like an ice-cream seller) and it fits! I resisted the urge to come mincing out the bedroom singing ‘I look handsome I look smart I’m a walking work of art’ and jazzhanding at Paul, but only just.

Do you know, I’ve never heard anything back from The Chase about my recent application. I’m secretly a bit gutted. All I want is for my star to shine on TV – first I narrowly missed getting on the bus with Coach Trip, now even Bradley Walsh is turning me down. I’d quite like a stab at Gogglebox too, if I’m honest, although I don’t think Channel 4 could cope with Paul and I sitting on our pleather settee in our knickers with pastry crumbs cascading down our chests whilst we slag off all and sundry. Plus I do spend an impressive amount of time scratching my feet with a Ped-Egg and I can imagine that would look especially unsavoury in HD, with my cheesy foot snow billowing about every time we fart. I’ve been trying to persuade Paul to play with me on New Super Mario World on the Wii U but because he’s got eyes that can see both ends of a wedding buffet at the same time (he never looks forward to anything), he can’t handle 3D games. But then I can’t handle discussing the political implications of the North Korea situation like he can, so we balance each other out. UNLIKE HIS EYES.

Eee what a cow. Here’s the recipe.

ingredients: three red onions, cut nice and small, light jus-rol pastry, chopped tomatoes, 400ml of beef stock, cornflour, smoked paprika, garlic, lean beef casserole, butter beans and an egg

recipe: pop the hob onto a medium-high heat and get your casserole pot out (preferably one you can bung in the oven). A splash of olive oil on the bottom or frylight if you’re syn-free. Roll your meat around in a teaspoon of cornflour and smoked paprika. You can skip this bit if you like – I didn’t, because the flour helps it not to stick, but as this serves four, I didn’t syn it – if you want to be super-careful it’ll be 1 syn at most. Fry the meat for three minutes to get a good seal on it. Take the meat out, put the onion in to saute, and then add everything into the pot.

Now your choice is simple. Hob for two hours on medium or oven for three. I prefer the oven, because it takes longer and the flavours develop. The meat I got from Sainsbury’s was as tough as old boots – I actually went onto their facebook and left a message:

‘By ‘eck Sainsburys. I’ve had some tasteless, flabby portions of meat in my mouth in my time but never have I had the displeasure I’ve just felt trying to chew my way through your ‘diced lean casserole beaf steak’ pack that you recommend for your beef and butter bean pie. Tasteless, tough meat that I could probably bounce on the floor as it was so rubbery. Felt like I was eating calamari. I feel I’d have enjoyed more flavour, and certainly more succulence, if I’d ripped up a floor tile from your Cramlington store and made that into a casserole. Even my cat, who isn’t picky, turned her nose up at it, and she licks her own bottom all day long.’

I actually salvaged the dinner by cooking it for three hours – I think two hours on the hob won’t cut it if you use cheaper meat. Your call!

If you want the stars, syn them at 4 syns (and again, that’s being generous). Easy enough, unroll the pastry and cut them out with a cutter. I’ve actually got a penis-shaped cutter, but I thought that would look ungainly. Brush with egg and put them in a hot oven for fifteen minutes, or until they’re golden brown.

We had the usual sweet potato mash – chop potatoes, rice them, add a drop of horseradish and the remainder of the egg you’ll use to glaze the stars. Mix, and serve. Broccoli on the side.

extra-easy: yes, 0 syns if you omit the pastry stars and the cornflour, but again, remember you’re eating to be happy, not punishing yourself. Get out of the mindset of being scared to use your syns and spend them on making your food that little bit better. THAT said, if you didn’t have pastry, you could throw the mash on top and have a sort of shepherds pie. If you’re INSANE. To work out the syns, well here’s a copy of the post I made explaining it!

I used a teaspoon of cornflour, most of which was left in the bottom of the bowl – so split between four, is almost nothing (I did say this in the blog to make sure mind!). I’ve never synned the garlic – but looking at it, if you use the paste, it’s a syn per tablespoon – so I generally use the powdered stuff. As for the pastry – 100g which made enough stars for four servings, it’s 53 syns (!) for 320 – so I worked it out as 4 syns for the stars!

top tips: The scraps of the Jus-Rol could easily be made into those cinnamon swirl things you see dotted around various groups. But that’s just pastry, cinnamon and sweetener – and we’re talking a LOT of sweetener, and it isn’t very good for the body. Your call mind, I’m not lecturing! If you wanted, just cut out strips, sprinkle sweetener and cinnamon, and roll them up into a wheel shape. Mmm! 2 syns each. Just have a bloody Freddo and get on with it!

J

syn-free pork seared in black tea with roasted brassicas

Haha! I really just wanted to outdo my last recipe title, hence the brassica. It’s really just the remainder of the sprouts from last week and sliced cauliflower. I can’t remember where I found the recipe for cooking pork in tea, but it works – and again, it’s something different!

Before I launch into the recipe, an update on our neighbours. It’s the dried up old husk at Number 2 who has been giving us trouble, with her post-post-post-post menopausal ranting about us parking in our own parking spot (which she wants for herself, despite not owning it). Anyway, it sounds like the HRT Hot(flush)line has been in action because Number 1 and Number 3 have also stopped speaking to us in apparent solidarity. I found this out as I gave Number 1 a cheery hello yesterday and got stonewalled in response. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I mean, Paul and I will almost certainly not get an invite to their New Year cheese and wine party now. Pity. Frankly if I’m not welcoming in the New Year whilst smiling politely and dying inside whilst some rancid old bore in an Arran jumper and garden centre corduroys spits barely-veiled racist views on immigrants at me over some Lidl cheddar, then is life even worth living?

All this has done is crystallised in my mind how best to wind the buggers up. Number 2 sits in her bat-chair which looks directly across our garden at our living room all evening. We’re going to buy the brightest, tackiest LED Christmas lights we can find on 1 December, stick them all over the window (though Paul has advised me not to spell out the word WANKERS with them) and set them to the most obnoxious flashing pattern we can find. We’ve got nice heavy curtains, so we can just pull them across and not notice the flashing, but from her chair it’ll look like the runway approach to Heathrow, flashing and blinking all night long. Her cheap nets, so good for peering around, will be no match for that. I’m almost tempted to stick a massive SANTA STOP HERE sign in the garden. Perhaps an inflatable Santa on the roof…oh the possibilities are endless. Miserable old vinegartits.

ON THAT NOTE, haha, here’s the recipe for syn free pork! Broke down at the end for absolute clarity!

ingredients: pork chops with all their fat cut off (remember, better to buy two good chops than four cheap ones), sweet potato, normal potatoes, cauliflower, sprouts, black tea, an apple, salt and balsamic vinegar. A griddle pan and the ricer will make it so much easier!

recipe: get the veg sorted first – cut the sprouts in half, pull the cauliflower apart and slice the florets (and the stalk) into good sized chunks. Coat with a good sprinkling of salt and balsamic vinegar and put them in the oven on 190 degrees for 30 mins, giving them a shake halfway through. For the mash, cut up the potato and sweet potato into chunks, don’t bother peeling, and after 25 mins boiling push them through the ricer (which will catch the skins and give you perfect, creamy mash) and put it to one side.

For the pork chops – add two strong tea-bags to about 100ml of water and leave to steep. After five minutes, take the bags out, add the apple (thinly sliced) and boil for ten minutes. Meanwhile, sear the pork in the griddle pan – 5 mins or so on each side should do it. Then tip the tea and apple into the griddle pan and cook on high for a good five minutes to reduce the glaze down and to coat the pork. Serve quickly. Tasty.

extra-easy: definitely – the addition of sprouts and cauliflower take care of your superfree third, but there’s also sweet potato in the mash. Some say you should syn the apple as you’re cooking it, but I don’t bother – it’s an apple, after all, and to me there’s no difference between cooking one apple or eating it. Fair enough if I was making apple sauce but…so – syn free all around!

top tips: this is another recipe with an unusual ingredient – tea. But it adds a lovely earthy flavour to the pork, and cooking it in the glaze keeps the meat moist, which can often be a problem. To me, this is the key to Slimming World – eat healthily and try new things. You’ll never be hungry, you’ll open your horizons and actually enjoy the food you’re eating.

Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve got to show my neighbour my arse as I clean the kitchen. That’ll teach her for being nosey…

chicken kiev, slimming world style

Before we get started tonight, can I explain one of my irrational dislikes? I’m a big quiz-show fan, so I’ll often pull a 15-to-1 or Countdown out of the Sky planner to watch when I’m bored. I know I know, but we all have quirks. My annoyance stems from Countdown, and in particular, the precocious ‘youngsters’ they occasionally have on. I get that they are geniuses, but the sight of all their weird ‘never-left-the-house’ tics and pallid skin makes my skin crawl. They nearly always look like in ten years time they’re going to be talked to by the police for masturbating into the coat of a lady in front of them on an escalator. Still, that’s easy for me to say, I don’t have the balls to go on, even though I’m pretty decent at anagrams. It’s easier to sit at the computer and be a TOTLACNUT about people.

Actually, that’s a fib. Paul and I did apply to go on Coach Trip and got put on the waiting list, but never got any further. Probably for the best, Paul has a potty mouth and I reckon the bus would barely have a chance to back out of the car-park before we’d be booted off and Channel 4 shut down. I find Brendan hysterical though – he’s exactly what I imagine Paul will look like in twenty years, perhaps minus the tight shirts.

Tonight’s recipe is the good old chicken kiev. It was tasty enough, but it did miss the ‘ooziness’ of a traditional chicken kiev, and every time we step on a duck it smells like someone has died behind the radiator, However, a decent chicken kiev will set you back around 12 syns (which will be the butter and breadcrumbs) so this is a good cheat – and served with fancy sides, will fill your hole. Recipe card then:

ingredients: two decent chicken breasts, no skimping- you want ginger spice, not posh spice, when it comes to breasts, the ubiquitous fromage frais, garlic, frylight, egg, golden breadcrumbs, bit of hard cheese.

recipe: piece of piss, to be honest. Cut open a big gash in the chicken breast, and spoon mixed up fromage frais, garlic and a tiny bit of hard cheese into it. Coat in beaten egg and dust with breadcrumbs. Secure with cocktail sticks (last thing you want in life is your gash leaking when it heats up) and hoy it in the oven for 30 mins. We had cheesy mash with it (boil sweet potato, carrots and potatoes together, when soft throw it through a ricer, et voila. We added a knob of Primula to ours (2 syns a squeeze) because we’re decadent sluts, but if you rice it so it’s super smooth but not starchy, it’ll be just fine without. Chuck on some broccoli for good measure.

extra-easy: yes – though not syn free. the breadcrumbs are synned – 28g of golden breadcrumbs for 2 syns – but that’s more than enough for two big breasts, I reckon you could easily do for. Bulk out the dinner with superfree veg – we were a bit short here, but the mash had carrots and sweet potato in, and broccoli on the side. We served with gravy with I’ve always synned at 1 syn per teaspoon and will continue to do so until the day I die, god-damn it. Other than that, we’re all good.

top tips: I keep mentioning a ricer for the mash – they look like this:

You can buy the one we use here – they’re great. Cheaper ones are available but when it comes to kitchen stuff, buy cheap, buy twice – you want a good heavy duty bugger to handle anything you throw at it. They’re brilliant if you eat a lot of mash – as they create incredibly smooth mash that tastes creamy as anything, thus reducing the need to add fattening things like cream, milk or lard. Though here’s another tip – crack an egg in your mash and then stir like buggery – it’s called ‘enriched mash’ and you won’t taste the egg, but you’ll get a lovely flavour without needing to add syns.

That’s it for the evening!

If anyone is reading this, I’d be incredibly obliged of a favour if you’re enjoying it – spread it out a bit! Facebook, talking or just plain old shares. The blog is getting a good readership and I’ve been impressed by how many people seem to want to read my daily taradiddle, but I can always use more! That would be grand!