quickpost: slimming world classics – salt and pepper chicken

I tell you what, you’re doing rather well out of us this week, bearing in mind we were aiming to only post five times a week, and one of them would be a quickpost! But, like the caring, big-hearted, lovely chaps that we are, we couldn’t let you down, so here’s an extra recipe – salt and pepper chicken. 

Syn-free, mind.

I can’t tell you how long I agonised over putting that ‘n’ in the title. I’m someone whose teeth actually itch if I happen across a ROFL. Anyway, recipe:

ingredients: two chicken breasts (one per person) cut into chunks, 5 tbsp Smash, ½ tsp salt, ½ tsp pepper, ½ tsp powdered garlic, one egg, a good slug of soy sauce, one green pepper, one onion, one chilli pepper, 2 tsp granulated sweetener, 2 tbsp white wine vinegar, noodles.

recipe: this couldn’t be easier.

• mix together the Smash, salt and pepper in a bowl and spread out onto a plate
• dip the chicken chunks into beaten egg with a good slug of soy sauce and roll in the dry smash mixture until well coated
• place the crumbed chicken chunks onto a baking sheet that has been sprayed with Frylight
• add another couple of sprays of Frylight over the top and bake in the oven (200°C or Gas Mark 6) for around 25-30 minutes or until golden
• get your noodles cooking
• meanwhile, chop an onion, green pepper and chilli pepper and mix together in a pan
• cover and let it sweat over a medium-low heat
• add another slug of soy sauce after about ten minutes and mix well
• in another bowl, mix together the granulated sweetener and white wine vinegar and stir until dissolved
• when it’s all ready, add the vinegar mixture to the vegetables, mix well, and serve with the chicken on top of the noodles

Mwah! Easy-peasy. I know I’m dancing with the devil using frylight and sweetener but if I tell you to use 1tsp of honey and a dab of oil, you might have a fit. Using honey instead of sweetener and a drop of oil instead of frylight makes things better, but up to you…!

J

beef and butterbean stew with pastry stars, thankfully not sung by Russell Crowe

Tonight, for our evening meal, we have:

This diet is definitely working- I tried a new shirt on (well an old one, actually, with super bright multi-coloured stripes – I look like an ice-cream seller) and it fits! I resisted the urge to come mincing out the bedroom singing ‘I look handsome I look smart I’m a walking work of art’ and jazzhanding at Paul, but only just.

Do you know, I’ve never heard anything back from The Chase about my recent application. I’m secretly a bit gutted. All I want is for my star to shine on TV – first I narrowly missed getting on the bus with Coach Trip, now even Bradley Walsh is turning me down. I’d quite like a stab at Gogglebox too, if I’m honest, although I don’t think Channel 4 could cope with Paul and I sitting on our pleather settee in our knickers with pastry crumbs cascading down our chests whilst we slag off all and sundry. Plus I do spend an impressive amount of time scratching my feet with a Ped-Egg and I can imagine that would look especially unsavoury in HD, with my cheesy foot snow billowing about every time we fart. I’ve been trying to persuade Paul to play with me on New Super Mario World on the Wii U but because he’s got eyes that can see both ends of a wedding buffet at the same time (he never looks forward to anything), he can’t handle 3D games. But then I can’t handle discussing the political implications of the North Korea situation like he can, so we balance each other out. UNLIKE HIS EYES.

Eee what a cow. Here’s the recipe.

ingredients: three red onions, cut nice and small, light jus-rol pastry, chopped tomatoes, 400ml of beef stock, cornflour, smoked paprika, garlic, lean beef casserole, butter beans and an egg

recipe: pop the hob onto a medium-high heat and get your casserole pot out (preferably one you can bung in the oven). A splash of olive oil on the bottom or frylight if you’re syn-free. Roll your meat around in a teaspoon of cornflour and smoked paprika. You can skip this bit if you like – I didn’t, because the flour helps it not to stick, but as this serves four, I didn’t syn it – if you want to be super-careful it’ll be 1 syn at most. Fry the meat for three minutes to get a good seal on it. Take the meat out, put the onion in to saute, and then add everything into the pot.

Now your choice is simple. Hob for two hours on medium or oven for three. I prefer the oven, because it takes longer and the flavours develop. The meat I got from Sainsbury’s was as tough as old boots – I actually went onto their facebook and left a message:

‘By ‘eck Sainsburys. I’ve had some tasteless, flabby portions of meat in my mouth in my time but never have I had the displeasure I’ve just felt trying to chew my way through your ‘diced lean casserole beaf steak’ pack that you recommend for your beef and butter bean pie. Tasteless, tough meat that I could probably bounce on the floor as it was so rubbery. Felt like I was eating calamari. I feel I’d have enjoyed more flavour, and certainly more succulence, if I’d ripped up a floor tile from your Cramlington store and made that into a casserole. Even my cat, who isn’t picky, turned her nose up at it, and she licks her own bottom all day long.’

I actually salvaged the dinner by cooking it for three hours – I think two hours on the hob won’t cut it if you use cheaper meat. Your call!

If you want the stars, syn them at 4 syns (and again, that’s being generous). Easy enough, unroll the pastry and cut them out with a cutter. I’ve actually got a penis-shaped cutter, but I thought that would look ungainly. Brush with egg and put them in a hot oven for fifteen minutes, or until they’re golden brown.

We had the usual sweet potato mash – chop potatoes, rice them, add a drop of horseradish and the remainder of the egg you’ll use to glaze the stars. Mix, and serve. Broccoli on the side.

extra-easy: yes, 0 syns if you omit the pastry stars and the cornflour, but again, remember you’re eating to be happy, not punishing yourself. Get out of the mindset of being scared to use your syns and spend them on making your food that little bit better. THAT said, if you didn’t have pastry, you could throw the mash on top and have a sort of shepherds pie. If you’re INSANE. To work out the syns, well here’s a copy of the post I made explaining it!

I used a teaspoon of cornflour, most of which was left in the bottom of the bowl – so split between four, is almost nothing (I did say this in the blog to make sure mind!). I’ve never synned the garlic – but looking at it, if you use the paste, it’s a syn per tablespoon – so I generally use the powdered stuff. As for the pastry – 100g which made enough stars for four servings, it’s 53 syns (!) for 320 – so I worked it out as 4 syns for the stars!

top tips: The scraps of the Jus-Rol could easily be made into those cinnamon swirl things you see dotted around various groups. But that’s just pastry, cinnamon and sweetener – and we’re talking a LOT of sweetener, and it isn’t very good for the body. Your call mind, I’m not lecturing! If you wanted, just cut out strips, sprinkle sweetener and cinnamon, and roll them up into a wheel shape. Mmm! 2 syns each. Just have a bloody Freddo and get on with it!

J

shaved sprout salad with bacon matchsticks, cubed sweet potato and sunblush tomatoes

Christ I wanted to give my recipe today a pretentious restaurant title and I think I’ve succeeded. For all those people, like me, who don’t like a fussy title, don’t worry, it’s essentially just cooked sweet potato, sundried tomatoes and bacon mixed with sliced brussel sprouts.

Before we get to the recipe, I need to make an announcement that I’m really a terrible grandson. I had plans to visit my nana today (she only lives 30 miles away and it’s a nice drive), but I didn’t get round to it because I got caught up gardening and playing on the Xbox. It will probably do my diet the world of good anyway, as whenever Paul and I go and visit we get the same questions…’would you like a bit of quiche / eight kitkats / mince pie / mince and potato pie / sandwich / lovely bit of tongue (steady) / a Ferrari Racket chocolate from ALDI etc…’ which, when met with polite refusal and cries of ‘but no, we’re on a diet’ results in a look like you’ve taken a shit on the carpet and woes of ‘It’ll never get eaten, it’s just me in this house’ and ‘a quarter inch thick layer of butter on your sandwich will do you no harm’. Honestly! And mind that’s even if she hears your refusal, she’s so tone deaf you could fell a tree in the living room behind her chair and she’d smile bemused at you and say EH.

My nana is amazing, mind, no doubt about that. She is totally accepting of the whole Paul and I being bummers situation, though she did once ask ‘which one was the woman’ which was slightly awkward, as I thought she meant which of us preferred an ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ – but she was actually meaning who did the ironing/cooking etc (remember she’s in her late eighties). Ha! So I’ll go visit her on Tuesday with my usual refrain of ‘I DIDN’T LIKE TO CHANCE LEAVING IT TOO LONG NANA, IN CASE I NEED TO GET MY FUNERAL SUIT DRY-CLEANED’. God, I love her to bits.

Anyway, enough about nana – my absence at her house through gardening was a nice link to me talking about the surfeit of brussel sprouts that we suddenly have thanks to my green-fingered neighbour (the one to our side, rather than the tenebrific old trout who lives opposite) handing them to me with a deaf-man-bellow of GET THEM EATEN DIVVENT WASTE THEM’. So, I got to thinking what I could do with them, and with Paul ‘being the woman’ (ie doing the ironing) (not my actual view I hasten to add), I decided on this fruity number.

RIGHT, before we start with the details, let me say two things: if you’re not a fan of sprouts, please still give this a go. Sprouts in Britain seem to be served boiled within an inch of their life and will leave your whole house smelling like a condemned nursing home. This doesn’t need to be. Sliced very thinly and dressed well, they’re a crunchy, tasty wonder. Second – yes, this meal is synned – you could make it syn free by omitting the dressing but remember, you have the syns to use, and why not make your evening meal that bit nicer simply by making a dressing to go with the salad? Even then, four syns is still a very excessive estimate – I reckon it would come in at two syns if you omitted the cheese at the end. OK…

ingredients: sprouts, an egg, bacon medallions (or bacon with fat cut off), sundried tomatoes (replace with fresh tomatoes grilled if you want to lower the syns), sweet potato, parmesan shavings. For the dressing, honey, olive oil and lemon juice.

recipe: right, the dressing first. 4 tbsp of lemon juice, 1 tsp of honey (1 syn), 1 tbsp of olive oil (2 syns), some salt, some pepper. Put it in a jamjar and shake, shake, shake! Double up if you need two servings. Then, cube up the sweet potato (leave the skin on) into 1cm chunks, add a tiny bit of olive oil and shake them around to get them coated, add a bit of salt, roast in the oven until soft. Also, stick your bacon on the grill or at the top of the oven to cook. Meanwhile, get your sprouts and take off the outer leaves if they’re a bit muddy or torn. Then the tricky bit – slice the sprouts as thin as you can. You can use a knife, yes, but honestly, get a mandolin. They’re a tenner from Lakeland and you’ll use it for all sorts – coleslaw, sliced potatoes, fruit salad, sprouts. Order one here and never look back. But BE CAREFUL. The sprouts are small and the blade is sharp – just take your time. I used about 30 sprouts in all.

After you’ve shaved your sprouts, get your fingers in and lightly toss them off (haha) so they separate, but you don’t need to go crazy – different textures are what makes this a good salad. Slice your tomatoes and add them in. Add in your cubed sweet potato (cooked) and bacon (now sliced). Arrange on a plate nice and dainty like. Poach your egg (lots of ways to do this, but I go old-school – pan of simmering water, create a whirlpool, drop the egg in from a little glass, poach and serve). Fish it out with a slotted spoon, put on top of the salad, cut the yolk and you’re done. I’ve added a bit of parmesan because why not – hence the four syns.

extra-easy: definitely – this is a fantastic meal because it’s nearly all superfree food, bar the dressing. Sprouts, tomatoes and sweet potato make up the meal, with a bit of bacon and dressing and egg on top. Yes, you can omit the dressing or replace it with a vinaigrette if you want to save the syns – and omit the cheese. But come on, live a little! Heh.

top tips: normally I say you can add all sorts to this salad, but don’t – keep it nice and simple. It’s an excellent new way of trying sprouts and I guarantee you’ll never look back. I’d love to know what people think! But DO get a mandolin. It’ll save those pretty fingers of yours.

FINALLY, my fortnightly call – if you’re enjoying this blog, please tell people on facebook and share it far and wide. I love new readers, comments, fuss – anything at all! I’d be very grateful and I’ll dance at your wedding if you do.

J

making a vegetable curry, and exposing my bumhole to a leafleter

I’ve done a bit of rejigging on the blog as I realised it was getting difficult to find all the recipes – so now if you’re looking for them, just click the category on the right and voila, all the badly realised comic-style recipes you can manage! 

Paul’s actually off down in London at the ‘Give Britain a Payrise’ rally. I work in the private sector so my eyes tend to glaze over when he goes on about rallies and protests, but fair play to the bugger for campaigning. Last time I told him to try and keep a low profile, and he ended up headlining the 1pm news with a soundbite about pensions. Even worse, the last time his place of work went on strike, he threw himself in front of someone’s car and called her a scab, without realising it was the Chief Executive inside. Oops. Anyway, he’s coming back home now and the latest text I got was ‘Missing you, dying for a shit’, which I don’t really know how to take but I’ll assume it was meant as a compliment.

I spent all morning lying in bed and willing myself to get up, but I didn’t quite manage it until 1pm. Which sounds lazy, but I’ve had a very long week and our bed is super comfortable. Actually, that’s a bit of a fib as I got up once and managed to moon someone putting a leaflet through our front door at the same time. I should explain. I got up for a wee and noticed the postman had been. We sleep naked, but the curtains were drawn so I went to the front door and bent down, completely naked, at the same time someone pushed a takeaway leaflet through the letterbox. Luckily our front door has that weird frosted glass in it, but I’m still fairly sure he got a damn good view of my tea-towel holder winking at him as I scrabbled to pick up the post. Ah well. This afternoon I decided to take it upon myself to go to B&M to find an elusive curry mix that Slimming World members go on about which is low in syns. Now, I’ve never been in B&M before, and well, goodness me.

Let me caveat the following by saying that I’m no snob, I don’t mind cheap shops and I don’t care how much something costs. But honest to god, I’ve never seen so many people with missing teeth in one place. I felt like I was at a gingivitis support class. Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever had so many polyester-mix fleeces rubbed against me as people rugby-charged past to get to the Playboy mirrors. I’m lucky I didn’t come out of there sparking and jolting like Electro from Spiderman. I did, however, get the elusive curry mix – Mayflower Curry Sauce Mix, at 8 syns for 56g (which makes more than enough sauce for two people to have a curry). With this in my hot sweaty hands, and the smell of chip-pans and sour milk a mere memory, I set about making tonight’s meal – a vegetable curry.

This was supposed to be a chicken curry, but fate put the kibosh on that. I defrosted the chicken, had the audacity to leave the room for a minute to have a slash, only to find upon my return Bowser (our cat) munching his way through it, having dragged it out of the kitchen, across the living room and into his cat house. I was gone less than a minute, and the chicken was steaming hot. He must have been like bloody lightning, so I let him have the chicken and decided to ‘superfree’ the curry instead. He got a stern look and as a punishment, I won’t be turning on his water fountain tonight and he’ll just have to quench his thirst like a normal cat.

ingredients: all the veg you see above, and really, anything you have spare. Pack it out with whatever you have left in the freezer, or tins, or fresh – we tend to buy a lot of stuff on the off-chance we’ll use it and then chuck it out, but don’t – throw it all in the curry. It’s a fantastic way of getting your superfree food quota, and this meal is easily over your 1/3 portion size rule. Serve with rice, or chips, or even on its own as a warming treat. It’ll certainly warm you again in eight hours or so.

recipe: cut up all your veg, add a dash of water, steam it until soft but not mush. The mushier the veg, the less nutrients, plus it’ll feel like you’re eating your dinner in a nursing home. To make the curry sauce, add 56g of powder to cold water, and start whisking. Turn the heat up to get the liquid to boiling, then whack it right back down to a very low heat. It’ll thicken in no time at all, but if you stop whisking, it’ll end up lumpy. Mix it up with the veg and serve with your side.

extra-easy: yes – though not syn free. the sauce is 8 syns for 56g of powder but then divided down into portion size, I reckon about 2 syns. This recipe would easily serve four. You’ve got more superfree food in here than you could shake a water-retaining finger at. Best of all, it really DOES taste like takeaway curry.

top tips: this would be made a lot more ‘takeaway’ by taking away a lot of the veg, and remaking it with cooked chicken, garden peas and chunks of onion. It could be made even more takeaway by flicking some fag ash and a few chest hairs in there, and having the ‘chicken’ squeak when you bite into it.

OK, anyway – enjoy. I’m off to shave off my beard. Sob!

J

chicken kiev, slimming world style

Before we get started tonight, can I explain one of my irrational dislikes? I’m a big quiz-show fan, so I’ll often pull a 15-to-1 or Countdown out of the Sky planner to watch when I’m bored. I know I know, but we all have quirks. My annoyance stems from Countdown, and in particular, the precocious ‘youngsters’ they occasionally have on. I get that they are geniuses, but the sight of all their weird ‘never-left-the-house’ tics and pallid skin makes my skin crawl. They nearly always look like in ten years time they’re going to be talked to by the police for masturbating into the coat of a lady in front of them on an escalator. Still, that’s easy for me to say, I don’t have the balls to go on, even though I’m pretty decent at anagrams. It’s easier to sit at the computer and be a TOTLACNUT about people.

Actually, that’s a fib. Paul and I did apply to go on Coach Trip and got put on the waiting list, but never got any further. Probably for the best, Paul has a potty mouth and I reckon the bus would barely have a chance to back out of the car-park before we’d be booted off and Channel 4 shut down. I find Brendan hysterical though – he’s exactly what I imagine Paul will look like in twenty years, perhaps minus the tight shirts.

Tonight’s recipe is the good old chicken kiev. It was tasty enough, but it did miss the ‘ooziness’ of a traditional chicken kiev, and every time we step on a duck it smells like someone has died behind the radiator, However, a decent chicken kiev will set you back around 12 syns (which will be the butter and breadcrumbs) so this is a good cheat – and served with fancy sides, will fill your hole. Recipe card then:

ingredients: two decent chicken breasts, no skimping- you want ginger spice, not posh spice, when it comes to breasts, the ubiquitous fromage frais, garlic, frylight, egg, golden breadcrumbs, bit of hard cheese.

recipe: piece of piss, to be honest. Cut open a big gash in the chicken breast, and spoon mixed up fromage frais, garlic and a tiny bit of hard cheese into it. Coat in beaten egg and dust with breadcrumbs. Secure with cocktail sticks (last thing you want in life is your gash leaking when it heats up) and hoy it in the oven for 30 mins. We had cheesy mash with it (boil sweet potato, carrots and potatoes together, when soft throw it through a ricer, et voila. We added a knob of Primula to ours (2 syns a squeeze) because we’re decadent sluts, but if you rice it so it’s super smooth but not starchy, it’ll be just fine without. Chuck on some broccoli for good measure.

extra-easy: yes – though not syn free. the breadcrumbs are synned – 28g of golden breadcrumbs for 2 syns – but that’s more than enough for two big breasts, I reckon you could easily do for. Bulk out the dinner with superfree veg – we were a bit short here, but the mash had carrots and sweet potato in, and broccoli on the side. We served with gravy with I’ve always synned at 1 syn per teaspoon and will continue to do so until the day I die, god-damn it. Other than that, we’re all good.

top tips: I keep mentioning a ricer for the mash – they look like this:

You can buy the one we use here – they’re great. Cheaper ones are available but when it comes to kitchen stuff, buy cheap, buy twice – you want a good heavy duty bugger to handle anything you throw at it. They’re brilliant if you eat a lot of mash – as they create incredibly smooth mash that tastes creamy as anything, thus reducing the need to add fattening things like cream, milk or lard. Though here’s another tip – crack an egg in your mash and then stir like buggery – it’s called ‘enriched mash’ and you won’t taste the egg, but you’ll get a lovely flavour without needing to add syns.

That’s it for the evening!

If anyone is reading this, I’d be incredibly obliged of a favour if you’re enjoying it – spread it out a bit! Facebook, talking or just plain old shares. The blog is getting a good readership and I’ve been impressed by how many people seem to want to read my daily taradiddle, but I can always use more! That would be grand!

mustard chicken and a singing turnip!

apologies for not updating yesterday, but I sat down at my computer chair at 8am and didn’t it until 1am today. Bit tired. I bet I end up being one of the unlucky fuckers who end up getting DVT from working on the sixth floor. My office is absolutely littered with sweets – Haribo on one desk, Celebrations on the other. One of my colleagues seems to be systemically buying out the sweets counter at the Sainsbury’s next door. Not that I mind, she’s a very kind soul and I’m a proper greedy sod.

So, because it’s late, let’s have a simple recipe:

At first look, it looks boring as hell. It isn’t! The key is microwaving the turnip/swede. Cut a little hole in the top, and stick it in the microwave for 15 minutes. After a while, it’ll start whistling. Take it out, spoon out the flesh, mash it and mash it hard. Chicken was just fromage frais and a tiny dollop of mustard. Maybe a syn for the mustard but come on.

Now – I’ve got to cut a dash. It’s a night off, I want to watch old Scrotum Face Alan Sugar fire people, and Paul has bought me a new Pedegg after I wore the last one out. Eeep.

J

cheap-ass syn-free onion jam

proper proud of myself and my penny pinching. Normally I don’t give the reduced section in the supermarket a second glance – not because I’m a snob but because I don’t like fearing for my life and jostling with people with no teeth for 13p off a fizzy egg and ham bap. I mean honestly. I shit you not when I say I’ve seen a proper physical fight over a Whoops trifle in Asda in Blyth, with security being called and everything. I do love the fact they call their reductions ‘Whoops’ though – it’s so camp – you might as well stick ‘What am I like’ after it and have a small photo of a man holding his fingertips to his lips. In Waitrose you don’t get any of that puff and bluster, just a discreet sticker that you can hide under your copy of the Daily Mail and quinoa-soaked-in-tears salad. Anyway the reason for all of this is because I managed to get a 2kg bag of red onions from Morrisons after class yesterday for the grand sum of 35p! yes, 35p for a bag of on-the-turn onion already chopped up and ready for action. I couldn’t freeze them as our freezer is full of lollies, dough and about eighty-eight bags of cod fillet that we keep buying at the supermarket and telling ourselves we’ll eat more fish. We never do, you’d think we’d learn.

So, I put out a question onto a SW group on FB, which has been invaluable in providing tips, and the general consensus was that I should make a chutney. Someone very thoughtfully provided a recipe, so as one good turn deserves another, here is a recipe card:

Because I’m a bit prissy, I generally don’t like sweetener as it’s an awful amount of chemicals for nothing at all. Just use a bit of sugar or even better, honey. If you want to make it with sugar, add a good tablespoon and call it five syns, but sweetener will be free. Add to sterilised jars (dishwasher, highest temp, leave to air dry) and it’ll keep for a few days in the fridge. Perfect with meat!

J

“all I’ve learned has overturned” – weigh in week four!

well blow me (lie back and think of the Body Magic). after all my moaning and picking fitfully at Paul’s shirt in the car and telling him to turn it around and “we’ll go next week”, we’ve only both gone and lost. Admittedly, not massive losses, but its going in the right direction! SEE:

Based on a stat I found somewhere. really impressed with ourselves – in a month we’ve lost 1 stone and a half, and I reckon I can get my stone award next week. I’m not quite sure what happens when I get that other than I get a sticker on my book. But there’s a lesson here! I was adamant that I’d ruined my week and didn’t want to go so that I wouldn’t ruin my streak, but that’s stupid, and we would have been face-down in a tub of ice-cream quicker than you could say ‘have a bit of respect’. Get your arse to class every week and never put it off. Only that way can you stay in control.

Recipe card tomorrow – apologies for the double post!

J

being a lush on slimming world – permitted!

Only a quick post tonight as Paul and I are having a lazy day – shepherds pie for supper and all day breakfast spaghetti for lunch. It’s been a bloody awful busy week so we’re kicking back with Doctor Who and enjoying ourselves.

I don’t drink as a matter of course, since I somewhat overdid it in college, but I spotted this on offer in Sainsbury’s (£20) and had to have it. We collect Absolut vodkas and have a tonne of unopened vodkas in our man-shed (seriously, if that ever went up in flames it would be like Piper Alpha), but we had to open this.

Vodka weighs in at 4 syns per 35ml shot, so a double is a healthy 8 syns. Mixed with decent lemonade, that’s not a terrible way to spend an evening.

The rules around alcohol on SW are easy enough:

• stay away from owt creamy or mixed – firstly, you shouldn’t be drinking Bacardi Breezers et all unless you’re 11, but they’re full of sugar – and Baileys etc is just cream and sugar and alcohol. That’s a no-no Nanette.
• wine – a large glass of dry white or a decent red is 6 syns. For the record, a large glass is 175ml, not one of these:
• bottled beer kicks in at around 9 syns per bottle, and for the most part tastes like rats piss stewed in a sock, so stay away.

No, really the only thing to take away from this post is to keep it clear and mix with diet mixers. Then you’ll be reet / turn yellow.

J

almost syn-free superfree jelly and 4 syn chocolate mousse

desserts! The tricky stage of any meal on a diet. Normally, Paul and I would keep it restrained, with maybe just a tub of Ben & Jerry’s each to slobber down as we shriek our way through some reality TV in our knickers. 500g of B&J Cherry Garcia is 37 and a half syns, which actually, isn’t TOO bad if you’re craving a massive sweet treat.

Now, I’ve had a bad day today – full of sweets, and I was given my flu jab yesterday by someone who I’m not entirely convinced wasn’t Harold Shipman and who might as well have used a fucking bayonet, so my arm hurts. Paul however came to the rescue and made me chocolate mousse Slimming World style. I’ve marked it as 4 syns for the lot but it’s not even really that, as the recipe makes four servings with one option and a bit of cream, so you could fudge the numbers and go for 2 syns. But then, why cheat yourself when you can treat yourself? Christ, I just vommed.

Two easy treats! If you’re being very good, the jelly is the way forward, and so easy to make. We buy bags and bags of the frozen fruits from Sainsburys – it’s a great way of upping your superfree for an easy finish! The chocolate mousse is equally as easy. You don’t need to fanny about putting it in a piping bag, but I think Paul wanted to use my fancy piping bag stand from Lakeland. Any excuse to ratch about in my baking cupboard! With thanks to Emma on the comments, the jelly is actually 1.5 syns a sachet, but divided between four pots means less than half a syn a jelly – so go for it!

Final question – does anyone know why cats go so mental if you place a strand of cooked spaghetti on their backs? Sola goes tearing around the house like she’s in riding around a wall of death. Mind, we’re having a bit of bother with both cats – Bowser keeps trying to get his end away but we cut off his space-hoppers when he was young, and Sola is having nothing of it and insists on trying to claw his eyes. But then we found them both snuggled up in an old shoebox this morning without a care in the world. They’re the Trevor and Little Mo of our street.

Anyway! Enjoy.

J